Indifferent?

I had a chat few days back with a friend who seemed be shocked or rather astonished by the state of the human kind in general. The absences of ethics and even the simplest of common courtesies had gotten to her. But what got to me personally was my own reaction, as I was not even slightly surprised. And that started me thinking (dangerous, I know). I began to wonder if I have lost faith in the human race, but that’s whole different discussion. What really got to me was thinking if it has finally happened? Have I finally develop this thick skin? Am I finally cold and heartless?

Frankly, I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad for this recent development, or if I even cared? The whole point is not to feel. It’s all the same to me.

For several days now I have been going through circles in my mind, trying to identify the turning point. When did it happen? When, where, why have I become so indifferent?

Until yesterday, when my humanity was put to the test through a couple of encounters, I finally had my answer. And without going through details, names or places (as Amman is such a small town and changing the names will not protect the not so innocent). Twice in the same I was at the receiving end of outrageous acts, to say the least. Behaviors, if I want to classify in my most polite words, I’d describe as unethical, unprofessional, and nasty (I can fill the page with polite descriptions, but you get the picture). And again, I was not surprised, nor shocked, even though the actions were not the least expected, and the people performing the actions, and had I not been their target, wouldn’t have believed in a million years that they were capable of such devious behavior. But low and behold, my lack of surprise did not shield me from feeling hurt. Yes, I was hurt, I could feel it deep inside, that gut wrenching pain, and believe it or not I was a little, just a little disappointed. But through it all I was happy. I can still feel. I might not be surprised but what YOU do, but YOU cannot take away the one thing that makes me human, I can still feel.