What the…? Ouch!

I am not sure why I'm writing this? Maybe I am just thinking out loud. Maybe I just want to share some questions that have always puzzled me. They disappear for a while, but I always know that sooner or later they will come up again. Something small, or something big happens and it triggers a series of question and before you know it you are battling with same old familiar windmills. We all have questions like that, right? Or maybe not. Maybe as usual, I am making a fool out of myself. Or Maybe I just want to see my thoughts on paper (e-paper anyway). That is if I can call them thoughts. For all I care, they could be hallucinations, or at best, desperate attempts of a person who is trying to make sense of this crazy world we live in. And maybe, just maybe, the release valve has exploded...:

Maybe …

Maybe…

That's how things have been lately. Nothing is definite or sure, and everything seems vague and uncertain. What has happened? What may come? I have no clue.

Okay, let's get real. I am not really loosing it here. I'm not asking for someone to tell me what the future will bring. I know that's not possible. And after all, it is in our nature, or at least in mine, to accept the vagueness of the future. Not out of understanding or faith, but it's just how it is, whether we like it or not. The problem though, that we don't like to admit that we are helpless where the future is concerned, because it takes a lot to admit helplessness. So, we become very innovative and creative in making up excuses and explanations.

But hey, that's the future we each deal, cope, and adjust to its vagueness as we see fit. Some people make plans and alternate plans, others analyze, scrutinize, evaluate and make conclusions, and some just do not bother with it, they'll take things as they come and deal with them then and there.

But what can really mess up a person is the vagueness of the "past". Their own past, that is. I mean come on, unless you have amnesia, you should know what went on. After all you were there. You were part of it. You lived it, breathed it, and at the time you thought you had a full grasp on it. Otherwise, you wouldn't have done what you had done. You'd think this should be the case. Yeah right! Think again. Because when you least expect it, it hits you. The ultimate shock. The moment you realize that your past is just as vague as your future, and you fail to understand every bit of it. Life, destiny, fate, whatever you want to call it, has just finished the last act of the greatest practical joke of all times. You've been punk'd. And life… Well, it just looks at you laughing it's ass off daring you to do something about it.

And as if all of this is not enough, you do the same damn thing to yourself. This is when all the self delusions start. I'm well, I'm over it, it was a learning experience. You know how that goes, right? It is comforting for a while, but the nagging thought that your past is a mystery to you still lurks over your head like a vulture waiting for the right moment to attack. And when the self delusions reach their peak and you really are convinced that you are doing well. Guess what? This is actually when you are most vulnerable.

See, this false sense of well being makes you brave, and you start wanting to explore the forbidden territory. THE PAST. You feel that now you can understand, and rationalize. You are now a balanced person, and you are armed with logic, and objectivity. But the moment you start, you find out that you have entered into the same vicious cycle (the freakishly fast and haunted merry-go-round) and it gets faster and more violent every time you go through it. Hey, you have completed level one. Welcome to level two, and by the way, you have earned some bonus points for determination. And in the vicious cycle game, it means you've earned more momentum (Torque actually if you want to get technical). Crash and burn baby. And in case you haven't been on this particular ride before, I should tell you that the accompanying soundtrack is not the usual cheery music you're used to hearing at fairs and amusement parks. See, the ride operator is not without a sense of humor, he/she/it likes to play "Another one bites the dust". Loud! And on occasions you might be treated to snippets of "Keep yourself Alive", "Stone Cold Crazy", "The Great Pretender", or even "I'm going slightly mad", but mostly "Another one bites the dust". (Who would've guessed that the ride operator is a Queen's fan).

How much more vague and confusing could things get? When you're the criminal and the victim how can you rationalize?

And whether you bite the dust or advance to the next level, the big question remains "What the hell just happened here?"